There is never any value in disputing umpires' decisions. No matter how incompetent they are, or whether they are biased, inconsistent, student-haters, power-crazy or just plain wankers, you do your team a favour by merely shaking your head and getting on with the game.

It's a fundamental rule to play the whistle – many is the time when the ball has crossed the boundary line and an opposition player, whilst you're waiting for the boundary umpire to blow his whistle, has grasped the football and kicked a goal.

Never sledge your team mates, no matter what.

If, during a team discussion before, during or after a game, you wish to criticise what a team mate has done, begin with something praiseworthy about that individual's performance or attitude and then make your suggestion.

When buying new boots, buy two pairs if you can afford it and wear them interchangeably (thus if one of the boots breaks apart during the game, you'll have an immediate replacement that doesn't need to be "worn in").

When you have a mark or a free kick, sprint back quickly on the mark, always looking downfield for options. Don't take your eyes off the play, and don't jog back slowly with your eyes over your left shoulder (doing that vastly reduces the number of options available and increases the chances of the man on the mark intercepting your disposal).

If a fight breaks out, the nearest player can go in and "support" his team mate but don't throw a punch (to be sent off means they automatically have a loose man at all times). Support your team mates by verbalising, finger pointing etc. If an opposition player is a meathead and continually whacking players off the ball, there is ample opportunity in the game of football to deal with those sort of individuals with a hip and a shoulder at appropriate moments.

Teams win if they have more "givers" than "takers". Life is, of course, full of givers and takers in all aspects. Givers usually ultimately succeed and takers usually ultimately win in the short term but fail in the long term, e.g. marriages only succeed if you're prepared to give. Givers and winners and winners seek answers to their problems (losers make excuses). Winners say "I'll do that job for you" (losers say "that's not my job"), winners see an answer in every problem whereas losers see a problem in every answer. Winners consider anything to be possible whereas losers consider everything to be too difficult.

There is no longer any scope for an individual player to play in only one position. All players must be able to play in at least two positions and to play well in each of these positions. If you play in the same position all year and someone is injured in the first five minutes of the grand final, then it is unhelpful to the team if you take half the game of football to warm up to the new position. You must be able to make the switch immediately and effectively. Therefore don't whinge when you are switched around during a game and don't drop your head and semi-deliberately play less effectively in that position to avoid being selected there in future – you'll probably find that you are not selected at all in future.

There are so many hundreds of specific match strategies that it's not worth trying to describe them in this section.